Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize