I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
