she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize