I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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