My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
