Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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