Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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