Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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