My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
