i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
