Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think I am morally bankrupt
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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