Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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