So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
