He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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