So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
