The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
