Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
