I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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