i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i think my cat just said my name.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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