that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
