why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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