Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
