just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
