I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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