So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
