Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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