There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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