It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
