What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
