its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
