my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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