You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize