I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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