I can text with my tongue
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
