I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
