I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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