He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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