he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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