it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
