i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
