i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My life is pants optional.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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