it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
