It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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