upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
