Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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