Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
