Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize