there's paper in my vomit.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
