PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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