i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
3 2 1 whiskey
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
