your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
