Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
