How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize