Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She told me I should be a condom model.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize