I just cut my nipple shaving
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
