The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
