textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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