i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
