Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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