There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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